"I really suck at this whole life thing but you're my friend anyway."

"It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good-humour." A Christmas Carol

     Each day I concentrate on something that I am grateful to have in my life. Today it's friends. Cliche, I know but I'm grateful for them because of the laughter they bring to my life. It'd be impossible for me to write about all of my friends in this one blog so I have to write about the girl who has stuck through thick and thin with me. Around the year 1997 I stumbled into Pulaski, TN with overalls in every fabric imaginable, brushed out curls and no friends. I asked the girl in the stretchy pants at the lunch table to be my best friend and the rest is history. I've no recollection of meeting my best friend but she's relayed the story to me enough that I believe it whether it be true or not. She's been there through everything. We had our first fight over Santa Claus. She told me if I didn't believe in Santa that I didn't believe in God. In the fifth grade we kept sprained ankles in an attempt to wear heels like the spice girls, ate an entire pan of fudge in one night and painted her dog's nails. She heard me swear for the first time when I forgot to edit a Spice Girls song that I had been singing. I made her promise she'd never tell anyone that I had done that or that I had a crush on Lance Bass. I should have kept the latter to myself; that's still embarrassing. We had our fights in high school over boys that now seem trivial and hilarious but felt real at the time. We spent an entire summer riding around listening to "The Essential Michael Jackson" and eating Sonic. I crawled onto Kayla's porch the first time I ever had a hangover and waited for her to get home. We spent the entire day watching workout videos and eating junk food but never actually doing the workout. She helped me write a letter for a contest to win Jonas Brothers and prodded me to use the cancer card in hopes of sympathetic readers. It didn't work but she still went to the concert with me. For now, Kayla lives in Florida and I absolutely hate that she is that far away but am proud of her for getting out. She makes me laugh more than most anyone I know; even if it is unintentional. Years later and we've upped the ante to two casserole pans in a night between us. I'm not ashamed. The point I'm trying to get across is that I realize how blessed I've been to have a friend like Kayla. Not many people keep friends from elementary school. I'm blessed to have all of my friends.

     I realize that somehow I've collected the most hilarious group of friends. I'm embarrassed to say that some have even made me pee myself with laughter. I love waking up to a post on my Facebook or Twitter from my friends because I know it's going to cause me to giggle. Everyone knows my love of people falling and luckily, right along with my hilarious friends comes their clumsiness. My closest friends embrace who they are and I can't express to them how much that means to me. Whether it's Margaret falling off a fence, Nikki bouncing off a rock, Kaitlin running from a tornado with me, Tracy falling down in a cave, Lauren giving us a Friday present by riding down the stairs, or any of the other countless clumsy moments my friends have had I'm so glad they're all there. If I didn't mention you it wasn't because I forgot you or don't love you.  Maybe you're just a bit more sure footed than the rest :) Anyways, please feel free to remind me of any hilarious moments.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2FPDKwtVns

A Break

    "[S]ome birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone." ~The Shawshank Redemption

      The other night I felt something in me break. The details of what brought about this break are not important. What is important is how it felt. I quickly attempted to gather myself but it was like chasing marbles on a tile floor. Some get away, others roll into something indistinguishable but you gather the ones you can and realize the once beautiful package will never be whole again. So, for once; I let go. I indulged and sobbed. I haven't let myself cry like that since I looked in the mirror and realized that chemotherapy had robbed me of all of my hair. Soon I began to cry for more than the original cause. I've felt trapped for the past year and what hurt the most is the realization that I'm the only one that has the power to change that. I woke the next morning with puffy eyes, red nose, somber expression and a new beginning. Unfortunately, I started that beginning with an attempt to de-puff my eyes. Note to self: toothpaste reduces swelling at the high cost of a squinty, watery, burning eye. I couldn't help but laugh at the girl in the mirror attempting to hide the traces of her emotions. I've always convinced myself that real, strong women don't show emotion but realized that every now and then I can allow myself to be human. That very day I started doing everything I'd said I  had been wanting to do. I got dressed up, put in applications, treated myself to a healthy lunch, exercised, talked to an old friend and wrote. I never understand my reasoning behind putting down my writing because for someone who tends to hold on to their problems; it's a great outlet. The only logic I can find behind it is that when I write, I let go and sometimes realize things I didn't know I felt and those things aren't always pretty. Life isn't always pretty. When I stress I indulge. I have a hard time eating, I workout constantly, paint my nails almost every day ...and spend money. Essentially, stress: makes my body look good; makes my bank account look bad. However, I'm changing that as well. Saving money has never been my strong suit, those genes went to my brother along with every single one of the athletic, hand/eye coordination ones. I'm still learning and that's okay. I never want to stop learning, growing and improving. Life isn't easy but no one ever said it was. Speaking of life being easy, sometimes you need to just listen to yourself and take your own advice. The other day a good friend told me she thought maybe she wasn't meant to be happy. She's one of the most strong, beautiful people I know and it broke my heart to hear her say that. She's worked hard at her happiness and deserves it more than most anyone I know. I told her that no one wanted to read a book/watch a movie about a girl who got everything she wanted. Those stories aren't interesting. Immediately she recommended "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story". The book, thus far, is wonderful. I continued that day with one de-puffed eye, friends by my side, a good porter and my journal. So, right now, I'm barely treading water but that's fine because I can still breathe. This year I'm going to attempt to live the story I've always wanted to read.