A Break

    "[S]ome birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone." ~The Shawshank Redemption

      The other night I felt something in me break. The details of what brought about this break are not important. What is important is how it felt. I quickly attempted to gather myself but it was like chasing marbles on a tile floor. Some get away, others roll into something indistinguishable but you gather the ones you can and realize the once beautiful package will never be whole again. So, for once; I let go. I indulged and sobbed. I haven't let myself cry like that since I looked in the mirror and realized that chemotherapy had robbed me of all of my hair. Soon I began to cry for more than the original cause. I've felt trapped for the past year and what hurt the most is the realization that I'm the only one that has the power to change that. I woke the next morning with puffy eyes, red nose, somber expression and a new beginning. Unfortunately, I started that beginning with an attempt to de-puff my eyes. Note to self: toothpaste reduces swelling at the high cost of a squinty, watery, burning eye. I couldn't help but laugh at the girl in the mirror attempting to hide the traces of her emotions. I've always convinced myself that real, strong women don't show emotion but realized that every now and then I can allow myself to be human. That very day I started doing everything I'd said I  had been wanting to do. I got dressed up, put in applications, treated myself to a healthy lunch, exercised, talked to an old friend and wrote. I never understand my reasoning behind putting down my writing because for someone who tends to hold on to their problems; it's a great outlet. The only logic I can find behind it is that when I write, I let go and sometimes realize things I didn't know I felt and those things aren't always pretty. Life isn't always pretty. When I stress I indulge. I have a hard time eating, I workout constantly, paint my nails almost every day ...and spend money. Essentially, stress: makes my body look good; makes my bank account look bad. However, I'm changing that as well. Saving money has never been my strong suit, those genes went to my brother along with every single one of the athletic, hand/eye coordination ones. I'm still learning and that's okay. I never want to stop learning, growing and improving. Life isn't easy but no one ever said it was. Speaking of life being easy, sometimes you need to just listen to yourself and take your own advice. The other day a good friend told me she thought maybe she wasn't meant to be happy. She's one of the most strong, beautiful people I know and it broke my heart to hear her say that. She's worked hard at her happiness and deserves it more than most anyone I know. I told her that no one wanted to read a book/watch a movie about a girl who got everything she wanted. Those stories aren't interesting. Immediately she recommended "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story". The book, thus far, is wonderful. I continued that day with one de-puffed eye, friends by my side, a good porter and my journal. So, right now, I'm barely treading water but that's fine because I can still breathe. This year I'm going to attempt to live the story I've always wanted to read.