"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. ... You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." Garden State
Most every one of my close friends knows my love for the movie Garden State and even more specifically the quote above. I've used it countless times in my writing and every time it means something different to me. I guess because I'm continually growing and changing my ideas about people and the world.
The other day I stood at my host stand staring out the window, waving false hellos with a fake smile to accompany my friendly greeting. I quickly realized that all day the only person I'd thought of was myself. How pathetic? If I had thought about any other person for that long I would have been ashamed of myself and for the most part, I am. So many of my wonderful friends and family have so much going on in their lives and all I can think about is "how hard I have it". I knew something had been bothering me but I didn't stop to think on what it might be until that moment. Recently it has come to my attention that most everyone around me is moving away and getting their life together while I feel stuck in Murfreesboro, TN. I feel like a stoop kid. (Yes, I just referenced the Hey Arnold Stoop Kid episode). I know eventually I'll move on but right now it's hard to see all these pieces of my heart move so far from me. I had created this big idea that if I just moved to a place I'd always wanted to live that I would be happy. Thank God I realized what a mistake that could be.
I've been so worried about time lines and saving money to leave by a certain time because I fear that this current time is defining the rest of my life and maybe it is but I can't help but think of all the solitary years in my life that didn't completely define me. Then, I had to take a look at my parents. Two people I admire very much. There are years upon years of their lives that I know absolutely nothing about. I'm sure those years shaped who they are but I can't imagine that one or two years defined their character. I know it seems like a simple concept but it took me a while to take these things into consideration because the world moves so fast and let's be honest; I don't.
I've always thought of Tennessee as my home and I always will but something inside of me is dying to get out of the place that has always been a comfort for me. There is a need to get away and create my own idea of "home". As I thought this a favorite song of one of my favorite local bands came to mind: "Home is not places; it is love." Alas, a revelation!!! I've been so lost because everything I consider home, for the most part (I still have some little pieces here ;) ) is no longer close at hand. That's life. No one said life would be easy but no one warned me that every idea I had of home would spread far and wide across the world. For now, my home rests in little pieces everywhere: Tennessee, Georgia, Florida, Africa, Louisiana, New York, Vietnam, Colorado, etc.
Enjoy the song :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMjXZlUOWSE
And the lyrics:
http://www.sweetslyrics.com/870846.The%20Apache%20Relay%20-%20Home%20Is%20Not%20Places.html
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